Monday, November 29, 2010

Top 26 of My 26th


1.Miah's birthday EXTRAvaganza
2.Geeky saxophonist drinking contest
3.The Shardonay Surprise
4.Shopping with Alex (any occasion)
5.Dessert and Drinks with Amiri Baraka
6.Rufio
7.Club night with Rachel and the "fellas" (aka "Party Like a White Girl"-night)
8.Jackie's Diss Defense Party
9.Various Privileged .5 Occasions
10.Phoenix
11.Anti-Valentine's Day trip to Boston
12.Trey Songz Hater Brigade
13.The Spot
14.ABD
15.Afro-Am "Ladies Night" (aka Cristy's night out)
16.YUP!
17.Christmas Times with Coco and Chris (aka Crotchfest 2009)
18.Grandma Finds Cheese in her pocket
19.Singleness
20.First viewing of the Tattoo Connection.
21.Meetings at our little ramshackle office
22.Apartment hunting with Rachel
23.Buffalo Wild Wings :(
24.Kelli
25.Moving Rachel (…smh lol)
26.Rec's Party at the Elevens.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Raw.


Inspiration...



When I got home early this morning, I wanted to cry.

As wonderful as the weekend had been, I couldn't help but feel that I was a victim of something up until this point, like despite being faithful (but not completely “good,” even still) the Lord had forsaken me nonetheless. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been lied to or called on (and then smiled at) so many times that I don’t even know who to trust. I’ve been made into a trusted kind of “den mother” character who has the answer to everything and the help that everyone needs that I couldn’t possibly live up to at this very selfish point of my 20s—but that nonetheless, out of my mushy heart, fall into and fume about later. I’ve had close friends pull away from me while new folk (try to) move in, which is difficult to adjust to with such severe trust issues. On the romantic front, every guy who has shown the least bit of interest in me either has a wedding band, as many years of life acquired as my own father, or substantial female following—all definite red flags. And then, there was my stilled research…and the fact that as soon as my income hits my bank account, it comes right back out…

Up to this point in November alone, I just felt done. It takes a lot for me to feel done. So many people were asking so much of me…that I did not really have time to ask too much of myself. All I’ve known is that I have felt confused, lonely, overworked, underpaid, betrayed, leaned on, bent over, cast aside, but—for better or for worse—never forgotten. And I smile through it all…but in the dark (and only in the dark), I drown it in smoke and liquor at its worst.

I ask myself how I got to this low point, often. Was it letting too many people in? Has it been taking on too much responsibility? Could I have set my expectations of myself and of others too high? Am I allowing myself to grow the way I need to? I don’t know. All I do know is that there has been too much weight. Too much weight. And I’m implicated in all of this.

So sitting, after a nice meal and a few drinks, I came home this morning, looking to make clouds in my living room. I flick the lighter and bow my head. They rise…

I wanted to cry.

Then I began remembering what the Lord had done for me. Just this weekend…

All weekend, I’ve been surrounded –happily—by living legends of my life’s work. People who inspired me do this thing I love—to write—and to question and then change the world around me. Amiri Baraka. Sonia Sanchez. Askia Muhammad Toure. John Bracey. Haki Madhubuti. Eugene Redmond. William Strickland. Melba Joyce Boyd. All of whom I sat with, built with, laughed with…never knowing when or if the next time for such an occasion would come. It was more personal than the thing of dreams I imagined when engaging such wisdom. Amiri Baraka told me that my disdain for apple pie was a “psychological problem” and went on to work through one of my favorite poems of his to teach with me, over drinks. Boyd and Redmond—two wonderful poets and scholars—took the time to push me to keep doing the work I was doing and even gave me more to do in the field of poetry. The sparkle in Madhubuti’s eyes when Bracey introduced me as a Detroiter was the reaffirmation I needed to take my nerves down from approaching a person who had been so pivotal to my own research—and poetry. The presence of Toure and Sanchez were just awe inspiring in themselves, and the kind nods and touches of recognition they gave let me know that they remembered me from before and will remember me next time…

Redmond even taught me how to use an old school (super, super, old) SLR camera and trusted me to document the final panel that he would be on during the conference. It had been some time (years, maybe) since I’d done photographic work like this. I didn’t realize how much I missed it…and how fulfilling it used to be…

Building, even still, with other scholars was also a blessing. Through the smoke, I began to see the would-be inappropriate flirtation for the encouragement it was. Not only am I beautiful, but my intellect encouraged attention. And moving from that aside, passing ideas across dinner tables and over book displays helped me refocus my priorities to my work, reaffirm the importance of my project to the field, and reroute my attention to getting the hell out of Amherst—-the inspiration for this blog since my first entry.

Finally…the support, humor and love of my tried and true friends came with the last toke. What a weekend. Sneaking….no, meandering into buffets we didn’t pay for. Passing notes and texts across panels (even when chairing). Bucking our eyes at the antics of the older generations. Skipping up alleys at night in sleepy stupors. Watching in awe at one another’s brilliance. Passing spare books to a friend to get an autograph, just so they don’t miss the opportunity. Cramming into cars just to cut across campus. The smiles. The laughs. The “good jobs”/”good lucks”. The hugs. Those were real. The realest things I’ve felt in a long while.

After this, I dipped the rest of my smoke in water and I smiled. I was happy. I felt foolish for wanting to cry, even more for feeling like the Lord had forgotten me. In many ways, He had given me what I needed; He’s working out my life for my good…and His (Romans 8:28). Despite my own disappointments and failures over time, this weekend he reminded me who I am and why He has me here, instead of anywhere else or amongst anyone else. I can’t let the things that trouble me, that are external to my relationship with Him and my work here in Amherst hold me back.

I do have a heart that fleets, breaks, and mends like clockwork in spite of how I try to protect it. But, even more, I have faith. And I have the Lord. This does not mean I'm not still dealing with some of the hurt that drove me to smoking last night. There will definitely be more low points, but I have to begin to take them as transitions, not obstacles. In all of this, the Lord has been so good to me, whether I have given Him due immediately or not. But He is showing me one thing through all of this…

I need to be so much better to myself.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

These are my Confessions....(no Usher Raymond)




1) I usually say what I mean and, often, to a fault. Just know that when this happens, a) I am not sorry and b) you're welcome. Honesty is hard to come by.

2) My intuition is ridiculously strong. Often, before I am told something, especially as it concerns me, I've already had some dream or sign that makes some things downright unsurprising. This is weird and it also kind of takes the spice out of life for me. I can honestly admit to being absolutely surprised and sideswiped at one point in my entire life, and that took almost 27 years (kudos to Alex and Shardonay...*slow clap* lol)

3) I have honestly loved (in the heart-sense, not "biblically" lol) only three men in my entire life; I've only been in love with one.

4) I hate cliques and mob mentality. Needless to say, this has troubled some of my aspirations and relations as I've moved through some very small professional and social circles. Just keep having to tell myself, "It be like that sometimes," and keep the movement fluid.

5) I truly value my friends, but sometimes I don't know if they know it. When my attention has been set to something, I am usually unreachable or out of touch for a long period...at least until the chosen mission has been accomplished. My heart and mind are often at odds about this. Those who really know me (which a few of you do :) ) know that I'm only a phone call away, whether the news is of a festival or a funeral. Believe that I am trying to get better at this...

6) I don't trust too many people. Outside of immediate family, maybe one or two people. Total. To go into any further detail here would be more than I'm willing to confess today. :)

7) My biggest fear at this point of my life is never having my own family (specifically, kids). Maybe I was conditioned to be this way, having observed my parents in action, but I just feel this as necessary to my life. I'm in no rush, at all; I'm broke, single and a grad student. It'll be a while, lol... But I know exactly what I want in this area of my life, and I can't say that for any other part of my life at this point.

8) As of Spring, I decided to trust the Lord with my romantic life, lol. This goes against who I've trained myself to be in my adult life: Picking a target, making a move, and then (if the situation requires) moving from the scene unscathed. The whole idea of courting just missed me for a while because I thought a) men were lazy and didn't do that anymore (with good intent, anyway) and b) why wait on someone else when you could have what you wanted right now? Needless to say it has been unpredictable, random, amazing at times, frustrating at others...but all the same, I've relinquished control of the situation. The few times I've tried to interject, He's convicted me. Harshly. When I'm faithful to Him, He rewards me...randomly. He directed me to Psalm 46:10 last winter, so I guess I should stick with that.

9) I'm single, broke, slowing down physically from my younger days (lol), don't trust many people, and I'm overworked, but I don't think I could be happier than I am now... given my circumstances anyway. I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, even though right now I'm bored and struggling with what I may need to change in order to feel more fulfilled. Only time will tell...

10) I just typed "I" 37 times--in various contractions and singular usages--in the above statements. This is a record. And it will never happen again. LOL

Monday, November 8, 2010

Falling back...

I have a love-hate relationship with daylight savings time, especially that BS in the spring when Mother Nature (more aptly, corporate America) snatches an hour back from me. When we "fall back" an hour, like some other Americans, I'm conditioned to be a bit excited, feeling like I've gained something (back) or got over somehow. The truth is that time is time and, no matter how you shake it or spend it, it will fly by, nonetheless. No matter who is counting or taking note of the time, it is all running down on one watch. His watch.

One thing I've noticed in my own life is that this period of falling back has been more than a gifted hour of sleep; it has been a time of transition, a watershed moment of truth and emotions...for no reason. I don't even know if there's a connection, but since I've been here, that extra hour has never been as enjoyable as it was when I was young because I haven't been able to sleep through it (lol).

Try having an extra hour to wonder why (from your own deduction) why someone you fell hard into something like love with cheated on you (again, deduced) and stranded you on your best friend's couch until dawn. Dawn is a long time to wonder and cry when you have to see 1 AM twice...

Try setting back your clock only to sit reading by lamp light, half wondering how you're going to write three 20-page papers by the end of November and wondering why a relationship based on years of knowing and loving somehow lacks reciprocity...

Try being able to sleep through an "extra" hour while wondering brokenhearted why a friend that you shared so much with could shut down on you at a proximity too close to ignore...

...And this is just through 2009.

This year, in keeping with tradition, all emotional hell broke loose. But I did something different this year: I was able to enjoy my extra hour.

Not because I wasn't hurt.
Not because attempted to brush the "dirt off".
Not because I ran off into something else to spare myself.

I didn't have anyone or anything to fall back on but Jesus. After so much pain and so much openness in my past, he showed me over the past 11 months (I recommitted my life to Christ on Dec. 2, 2009 in "someone's" kitchen. I can share that story later...lol) to be vulnerable only to him. Men and women can only be as human as God made us, and to be human is to be broken, sinful, and selfish.

I have been hurt and I have done hurtful things to others--knowingly and unknowingly--during this time so I know that I'm neither bulletproof nor perfect. But the Lord, with prayer, apt attention, and faith in Him, helped me prepare myself for the storm this fall. I will admit that nothing that happened this time around was anything I DIDN'T pray for or about. The Lord has a funny way letting you know that your will is not His; your wants and plans are not His plans for you.

I definitely got a bit more than I bargained for this time around, but the truths that the Lord revealed to me were more than enough for me to recognize His love for me in place of devastation and confusion. At 1AM this year, perhaps both hours, I was on my knees in prayer, literally laughing, thanking Him for His mercy and the ability to be merciful. Forgiveness is powerful, especially when the person you need to have mercy on the most is yourself...

I would appreciate no comments on this blog. Just thought I'd share. Thank you. And be merciful...

Markeysha Dawn Davis
Doctoral Candidate
W. E. B. Du Bois Department of Afro-American Studies
University of Massachusetts Amherst
(313) 318-1831
mddavis@afroam.umass.edu