Tuesday, June 26, 2012

On an upside...

The words don't come as fast
As the images do,
But they will.
One day.
I guess.
I wish I had them;
They're all I've got
Most of the time. The rhyme
Never escapes me,
But it comes in with a vengeance
When the literal gets
Too real.
I'd rather speak in metaphor
Than piece together the violence
Of real words
That hurt,
Circle and Pierce the spirit
Like a crown of thorns...
Yeah: that real.
For now,
A blank space will do
Because I don't have the energy
To lie to you.
And the truth won't fit.

Imagine what you wish
To find here.
Write back soon...

Friday, June 22, 2012

Meh.

I come on a bit strong sometimes. Especially if I get too comfortable.

That's rare, though. As a Sagittarius, I never allow myself too much comfort. I need to be 10 steps ahead at all times. ALL TIMES.

But people love when you "keep it real". And I love people, and being honest, so why not knock out two birds with one stone (being, the rock of realness"...lol)? There's only one place where this practice fails me.

Matters of the heart.
With the opposite sex.
After the age of 25. Lol

Talking to a friend tonight (or not a friend...?), I appreciated that he welcomed my perspective on the female psyche without thinking I was trying to inch up on him romantically. I truly enjoy helping my men out with this because who else would? And I'm always right :)

However, by doing this, I realize that I exit the romance zone in my gentleman friend's mind and immediately enter "homie" status. In this case, that works for me (and I vocalized this, lol), but I wonder how many other men I've pushed away unknowingly because of this need to make people feel comfortable around me? Sometimes, I think it may be something else (height, hair, weight, skin tone, credentials, etc) that detracts them. But it could very well be how damn friendly I am.

Men like women with issues.
I don't want men to know mine.
I don't want men trying to save me.
Jesus has that covered.
As I smile, laugh and make light of some rather sad situations in the world of dating, I lose.

And so goes my blog.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Reconnecting

I love my family for trying to understand and love who I'm becoming, when the fact is that I'm not even sure who I'll be yet. They seem a bit more comfortable with this process, my moods, and some of my disappearances (they are not comfortable with my wandering by car yet, lol) than even I am. This has helped my transition to living at home for the summer quite a bit.

Back in Amherst, I find myself silenced quite a bit, and that bred a reluctance to speaking or sharing. Whether it was trying (unsuccessfully) to connect with someone because of limited airtime (some folks take up that much space!) or stopping short of disclosing myself for fear of judgment, I've just opted for silence. And sometimes, cigarettes. Holding all of this in is unhealthy and distracting--a dangerous thing when most of my livelihood is supported by my ability to think and be mentally present.

Being with my family has kept me accountable to myself in a way that haven't been in the past few months. They make me talk about what's going on in my life, what lies ahead, and remind me of who I was before I got into a slump. Before even over sharing my life's details with my father last week, for instance, we had a conversation about young people needing to get married. True to his fashion, he argued that "dumb m----- f----- needed to get married between 16 and 30" while they still look good and someone will still put up with them. The quoted part was omitted at first (lol), so, applying the commentary to my own singleness, I asked him:

"Well, what if you don't have a choice of whether you're single or not? What if there's just...no one?"

He looked at me seriously and added the above quoted criteria to his assessment, thus--in his words--removing me from the pantheon of dumb m----- f------s. and he said something that I've been wrestling with for a while:

"As a young professional, you could possibly support yourself. There's not too much a man can offer you financially. You don't need a 'good relationship' right now. You need a good 'thurapist'."

That's how he pronounces "therapist".

His reasoning was the pressure of my work. I wanted to cry because he was so right! But I laughed and told him about my experience with the shrink at UMass a few months ago (read my blog). He told me to try again, so I will. First, here...if my position covers meetings with CAPS...and I will follow up in the fall at UMass.

Of all the people here and perhaps on Earth, my mother understands me spiritually (among other ways) in ways that the rest of my family does not. As a believer in Christ, it had to be difficult not to have a spouse also committed to being a follower and teacher of His word, but by herself, she tried to expose us to Him. I wanted to check out a local church today that is in the same network as Vita Nova (Acts 29), and she offered to go with me--even though they were meeting in a park on a street corner in the middle of the hood (she lived in that neighborhood once). My brother and his fiancée brought brunch over for Fathers Day, so I opted out (I hadn't seen them in months) and did a bible study/prayer later at a coffee shop. But later that afternoon, we sat outside and talked about songs that moved us...while she winced, at first, to the Christian rock I played between Fred Hammond and Tonex, and then nodded along.


And then there's my brother, my sister, and our adventures in dating (collectively). While I'm sometimes the voice of reason in these conversations, every leap year, I have my WTF moments. And guess what? It's 2012. Lol

My brother's engaged and my sister is a hot commodity. And I contend that I'm a hot mess and need to be under a rock...at least until I'm ready to come out and play. My sister, having gained some wisdom from somewhere (dad) over the last few years understands....even my insecurities and regressions. My brother, however, is different. He doesn't understand how I can be critical of myself when the men I date (or don't...they are all bad to a big brother, lol), in his opinion, are a hot mess. However, after saying this, he proceeds to deliberate with Mallory (the fiancée) about who I should date:

(He whispers hushedly to her. I hear him)
"no....I'm not going to say that," she says.
"Yea! He's perfect though. Tell her...."
Mallory looks at me and sighs,
"Your brother thinks you should date Harry Potter."

Yes.

I'm going to bed now. Lol. Goodnight.

Friday, June 8, 2012

A poem: Remembering...

Love is brightly blinding,
but you trust that the light
doesn't burn.
At first.
A first time becomes a second
of multiple reactions
teeming with satisfactions,
as you fall in and out of rhythm
with yourself,
hoping to merge with another.
Some things don't mix well,
but you're drawn to the passion
like a moth to flame,
desperate to be burned
but fearing the pain.
Blinded...
Stumbling through words and actions,
 saying what's repulsive or pleasing,
but never asking or meaning.
What are you feeling?
The heart beats you to a pulp
when faced with stagnation,
but the urge to protect it
hardens you.
But the flame always melts away
 that wax you thought was iron-clad.
But the pain...
burning...
brightly...
blinding...

Friday, June 1, 2012

It's been far too long...

Life is crazy.

Then again, life is what you shape it to be, from the blessings you are given to the choices you refuse or fear making. This period of my full 28.5 years has by far been the most fascinating--both enjoyable and intolerable at times. I'm growing, but I still feel cocooned to a point. I used to think that cocoon was Amherst, until I began to understand that I am my own inhibitor, stopping myself from emerging just short of seeing the light.

Or maybe it isn't time to break yet. I trust that God will let me know when.

I have had countless conversations about what is wrong with the world, what is wrong with people here (and what's right, sometimes), what is wrong with this town that lies behind a "Tofu Curtain", what is wrong with me. The answers I both receive and conjure on my own all vary depending on the multitude of perspectives I encounter and the particular moments at which we exchange ideas. I have noticed that more often, however, I spend less and less time considering what is right about the aforementioned things. To the point of keeping this blog introspective, I won't touch on the "what's wrong with the world...the people here" points, but I refuse not to talk about me right now. I need to, so bear with me.

I told my roommate on Memorial Day (while reflecting on the many moods we've both experienced over the last year) that it is often hard to be yourself in a space that is not conducive to who you were and who you would like to become. For me, I identify Amherst as my space of suppression. Having been here since I was 23, this is a space where I have come of age in a way I wasn't able to while attending undergraduate and working in my hometown. Reflecting on my choices then--even not having any qualms about uprooting myself to Amherst--I wonder if my older self would have chosen this path, given the same opportunities.

I can't answer that question, and I trust that God has me (and her) here for a multitude of reasons. If you'd ask me to list them now, I couldn't :)

I'm just trusting Him on this one. In any case, this blog has always provided an outlet that sitting with myself, praying, or talking to others has not allowed. So I'm back, after a brief, but intense, hiatus. One day, if I haven't in person,

I'll catch you up to my Amherst adventures, but I'm still processing a lot of them (LOL). Some things just don't compute (and shouldn't).