I love you, but....

It never gets easier.

A few months ago, I wrote about talking to a potential love interest and friend (who is now nonexistent to me for all of the best reasons...lol) candidly about relationships and how that honesty and openness often gets me placed in the "homie" category. Yet again, the curse is in play :) In this case, it may be for the best, though my heart begs to differ.

For the past few weeks (if you follow me, sincerest apologies for the hiatus...but really, I don't care), I have been in deep with someone I now consider a great friend. It wasn't always like this; we each had our motives--or lack thereof--at the beginning of our connection. We both sheerly sought to have fun or fill a void. After a tumultuous season, however, something wonderful happened: We became friends. We listen to one another, share interests and know what makes the other tick. We have had the pleasure of sharing meals, adventures, advice (unwanted and needed) and, in a strange turn of events, we even discuss Scripture in depth and randomly. He even put the man who claimed to be "God's will for me" (see earlier post) in his place when I was too scared to respond to the barrage of texts and calls this "gentleman" unexpectedly made after a peaceful hiatus. We have a plethora of differences, as I mentioned in a previous post, but the respect and love for one another is there. And it's honest.

But, as I mentioned, this is hard for me. Maybe because the desire to be romanced (period) is there. Maybe because knowing him flaws and all makes me more involved emotionally. Maybe I'm confusing these feelings for something else all together.

I don't feel confused. I feel like a good friend, something I didn't expect to evolve from what we were(n't) before.

The hardest part, I think, is accepting what being a friend means. It means boundaries. It means, perhaps, really realizing that you aren't the other's ideal for a partner (and maybe he/she isn't right for you...though my mind and heart are still negotiating this...it's more of a domestic dispute that a civil conversation). It means hearing about other girls or guys, and dying slowly inside the further the descriptions veer from resembling who you are. It means loving unconditionally and wishing your friend the best for their situation, whether you are involved or not, and and knowing, when the time comes, to move on in order to insure your own happiness. It means really loving someone enough to die to yourself and tough through a bruised ego, lust, lofty fantasies, and selfishness.

What I complained about before is lightweight compared to the real deal. It is hard to love someone without struggling through the implications of desire and fulfilling one's own wants and needs. I know it has been hard for me. But because I know what I feel is real, I am willing to fight those things detrimental to what has come to be between the two of us. I just hope it does become easier with time ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF70UHCoDp0&sns=em

True dat

Confessional

Within the span of seven days, I've received two alcohol-induced confessions that have thrown me for an emotional loop. Though they were perhaps things I needed to hear, the only thing that they've left me is emotionally exhausted.

The latest was from a long-ago friend--a very good one, once upon a time--who estranged himself from me (and many of my other friends) on the surface because of his longing to be with a former girlfriend who lived at a distance. Of course, it would be polite and safe to leave the story there, as I have for the last 10 years. The truth is that we were extremely close, but culturally, politically and racially so different that our bond caused confusion. Lol... But our love for comedy (he was an aspiring stand-up comic), New York hip hop, movies and our respect and love for one another kept that bond tight. Briefly.

We took classes together (at first by accident, and later--more painfully--on purpose), he came up to my dorm room to escort me to each gross cafeteria meal, and even accompanied me on my fledgling adventures into Detroit's hip hop scene. We had fun. Until we made out. While that was something we wanted, he had an Yahoo girlfriend (just that; pre-eHarmony, never met) that this was unfair to. We acknowledged this and kept it moving, never "going there" again, but still having adventures, watching movies, making up crazy jokes and stories. Still laughing.

Then it was over. Suddenly.

I understand how our friendship complicated things with the girlfriend, who he later met in person. I understand that we had to set boundaries, but he just stopped. Everything.

As I mentioned before, we still had all the same classes and lived in the same place. We still shared the same love of movies and differences about affirmative action and other politics. But "we" were not. It wasn't until another good friend of ours exploded on him that he started showing up again. I was too heartbroken to say anything and too immature to really acknowledge how I felt. I just let go. We saw each other once before he left for the Southwest to be closer to his now-real girlfriend. I sent him off with a few George Carlin books for the plane and a "good luck".

We reconnected a few years later when he moved back to the Detroit area, but it was never consistent. I just knew he was there, and soon he was there and I was here in Amherst, a far cry from the girl he once knew.

Last night, he texted me out of the blue, "not drunk" but drinking, he promised. He apologized for choosing a stranger over me, and confessed that he missed me and our friendship and has for a long time. I didn't know what to say, and I still don't.... In a hail of "it's all goods" and LOLs, I just wept. Not happy weeping, and not sad. I'm not sure why I cried.

I'm not sure how I feel, but I know this guy represented the first time I'd literally felt abandoned by someone I loved, friend or more. That's a lot to process in a few minutes and within a few messages. And he tried to make amends for a 10 year old pain of mine within that.

******************

This and a few other misadventures in love and friendship taught me to put all my cards on the table instead of being stubborn and self-righteous (as I am apt to do). I did this recently with someone who I have grown to care about over the past few months. Our whatever-it-is has not been without interruptions or disappointments. Like the friend discussed above, on paper, he and I are extremely different people. As many times as I've said or heard, "this is no good", he's still here and so am I. We have a number of similarities, and I love his forthrightness. But it is relationship that needs time to grow, still.

About a month ago, I decided against my reluctance to reveal how I felt (I can't even say "I" decided....I fought hard not to say anything. Lol), and I wrote him a note about how I felt and why I couldn't say anything sooner. It wasn't an ultimatum, a character-basher, or a proposal of any kind. Just a note. About me. And it was unplanned; I have no idea what it says anymore. I just know it was free flow from my heart.

Last weekend, I saw him while I was out around Amherst. He was drinking. We made small talk and he invited me to have a drink. I decided to sit with him. He acknowledged my note and said he shared my feelings. I was not sure how lucid he was (the next day he said he could recall very little) but I determined I wouldn't press the issue. One would think that I would love to know that the feelings were mutual; someone else would've been ecstatic I think. But I was taken aback; not sure what to say, even more unsure of if what I had to say would matter at that moment. I just listened.

We spent the next day as usual, with the exception of attending his awesome church as a guest, but I never pressed the question of that conversation. Though I'm beyond my stubborn self, I don't think I'm ready for it. That might be why the subject came up when it did, and he may not remember at all...

The text-talk with my old friend was just icing on the cake of an emotionally heavy week. But there's a reason for this, I guess. Who knows what's coming in the near future or what this is preparing me for? (God knows, lol).

What a welcome back.

Happy Saturday!

Love this song :)

ALL FOR LOVE

I played the fool before
Stared at the sun until it burned out my eyesight
Blind but a man must move on
No time for regrets
Who lives in rehearse
Rehearsed the times you were here
Through other ladies I drove myself crazy
Wondering why they weren't you
You may think I'm a fool
But still I did it

All for love
All for love
Stayed in the sun too long
Even the sun moves on
All for what
All for love

I'm a seeker in search of a dreamer (dreamer)
She dreams, she dreams, she lays her head down and dreams
Or maybe it's me this time?
But baby lets live

Or maybe it's me this time
Yeah, I played the fool before
Stared at the sun until it burned out my eyesight
Blind but a man must move on
No time for regrets
Who lives in rehearse
Rehearsed the times you were here
Through other ladies I drove myself crazy
Wondering why they weren't you
You may think I'm a fool
But still I did it

All for love
All for love
Stayed in the sun too long
Even the sun moves on
I did it for?
I did it for me and you
Stayed in the sun too long
Even the sun moves on

Stayed in the sun too long
Even the sun moves on

~Bilal~
Album: Love For Sale

Visual.

July

This has been a good summer, so far, because I've been forced to sit my ass down.

I hate sitting still, but the pulled tendons around my right ankle don't condone my restless nature. While I have teaching and grading to occupy me, even from bed, the peace of stillness has made me long for more moments of solitude and reflection (and trash tv and gossip magazines lol). I've literally gone within the month from privately bashing where I am in my life--confused by the shifting goals I've aspired to since 2008 and how many seriously ratchet people I've entertained this year-- and sulking about my inability to find a stable space emotionally, professionally and physically to grow to realizing that all of this is in fact a part of my growth and not to worry about what is or isn't there right now. Worry is not conducive to God's plan for me...neither is forcing, plotting, or obsessing over what I can't control. I can control the hours I work and the completion of my research to a point. But everything else, whatever.

In this mindset, I am visiting Amherst this weekend for a brief staycation. My motives for even booking this trip were rooted in my period of uncertainty, but now I am very certain of what my ideal trip will concern and what kind of time I'd like to spend with myself. Home has been great, to say the least, but the peace of solitude is surface-level at best. You won't see me writing this again, but I do miss the peace of Amherst temporarily, and the ability to disappear and pretend to be alone (as Jesus has been a constant companion). While there are folks I love and want to see, do understand that this is my trip and not a group weekend adventure.

I need quiet.
I need peace.
I don't need your drama.
Mine is gone.
I need beer and sunshine and nachos from the High Horse.
I need to write my lit review at Amherst Coffee.
I may need karaoke and a bubbletini.
I need to drive up 116 to see Mt Sugarloaf.
I need to stand alone in the rain at least once while it is overcast this weekend.
I do not want to dance, club or walk miles in heels on a bum ankle.
I will not wear my Crocs or ankle brace to a club.
I need a huge laugh while sober.
I need Vita Nova, but unfortunately my flight leaves at 9 am on Sunday. :(

Now that that's out of the way, I'm looking forward to my trip. And sitting still before the rush comes in September.

Here's to a lazy weekend...