Love this song :)

ALL FOR LOVE

I played the fool before
Stared at the sun until it burned out my eyesight
Blind but a man must move on
No time for regrets
Who lives in rehearse
Rehearsed the times you were here
Through other ladies I drove myself crazy
Wondering why they weren't you
You may think I'm a fool
But still I did it

All for love
All for love
Stayed in the sun too long
Even the sun moves on
All for what
All for love

I'm a seeker in search of a dreamer (dreamer)
She dreams, she dreams, she lays her head down and dreams
Or maybe it's me this time?
But baby lets live

Or maybe it's me this time
Yeah, I played the fool before
Stared at the sun until it burned out my eyesight
Blind but a man must move on
No time for regrets
Who lives in rehearse
Rehearsed the times you were here
Through other ladies I drove myself crazy
Wondering why they weren't you
You may think I'm a fool
But still I did it

All for love
All for love
Stayed in the sun too long
Even the sun moves on
I did it for?
I did it for me and you
Stayed in the sun too long
Even the sun moves on

Stayed in the sun too long
Even the sun moves on

~Bilal~
Album: Love For Sale

Visual.

July

This has been a good summer, so far, because I've been forced to sit my ass down.

I hate sitting still, but the pulled tendons around my right ankle don't condone my restless nature. While I have teaching and grading to occupy me, even from bed, the peace of stillness has made me long for more moments of solitude and reflection (and trash tv and gossip magazines lol). I've literally gone within the month from privately bashing where I am in my life--confused by the shifting goals I've aspired to since 2008 and how many seriously ratchet people I've entertained this year-- and sulking about my inability to find a stable space emotionally, professionally and physically to grow to realizing that all of this is in fact a part of my growth and not to worry about what is or isn't there right now. Worry is not conducive to God's plan for me...neither is forcing, plotting, or obsessing over what I can't control. I can control the hours I work and the completion of my research to a point. But everything else, whatever.

In this mindset, I am visiting Amherst this weekend for a brief staycation. My motives for even booking this trip were rooted in my period of uncertainty, but now I am very certain of what my ideal trip will concern and what kind of time I'd like to spend with myself. Home has been great, to say the least, but the peace of solitude is surface-level at best. You won't see me writing this again, but I do miss the peace of Amherst temporarily, and the ability to disappear and pretend to be alone (as Jesus has been a constant companion). While there are folks I love and want to see, do understand that this is my trip and not a group weekend adventure.

I need quiet.
I need peace.
I don't need your drama.
Mine is gone.
I need beer and sunshine and nachos from the High Horse.
I need to write my lit review at Amherst Coffee.
I may need karaoke and a bubbletini.
I need to drive up 116 to see Mt Sugarloaf.
I need to stand alone in the rain at least once while it is overcast this weekend.
I do not want to dance, club or walk miles in heels on a bum ankle.
I will not wear my Crocs or ankle brace to a club.
I need a huge laugh while sober.
I need Vita Nova, but unfortunately my flight leaves at 9 am on Sunday. :(

Now that that's out of the way, I'm looking forward to my trip. And sitting still before the rush comes in September.

Here's to a lazy weekend...

On an upside...

The words don't come as fast
As the images do,
But they will.
One day.
I guess.
I wish I had them;
They're all I've got
Most of the time. The rhyme
Never escapes me,
But it comes in with a vengeance
When the literal gets
Too real.
I'd rather speak in metaphor
Than piece together the violence
Of real words
That hurt,
Circle and Pierce the spirit
Like a crown of thorns...
Yeah: that real.
For now,
A blank space will do
Because I don't have the energy
To lie to you.
And the truth won't fit.

Imagine what you wish
To find here.
Write back soon...

Meh.

I come on a bit strong sometimes. Especially if I get too comfortable.

That's rare, though. As a Sagittarius, I never allow myself too much comfort. I need to be 10 steps ahead at all times. ALL TIMES.

But people love when you "keep it real". And I love people, and being honest, so why not knock out two birds with one stone (being, the rock of realness"...lol)? There's only one place where this practice fails me.

Matters of the heart.
With the opposite sex.
After the age of 25. Lol

Talking to a friend tonight (or not a friend...?), I appreciated that he welcomed my perspective on the female psyche without thinking I was trying to inch up on him romantically. I truly enjoy helping my men out with this because who else would? And I'm always right :)

However, by doing this, I realize that I exit the romance zone in my gentleman friend's mind and immediately enter "homie" status. In this case, that works for me (and I vocalized this, lol), but I wonder how many other men I've pushed away unknowingly because of this need to make people feel comfortable around me? Sometimes, I think it may be something else (height, hair, weight, skin tone, credentials, etc) that detracts them. But it could very well be how damn friendly I am.

Men like women with issues.
I don't want men to know mine.
I don't want men trying to save me.
Jesus has that covered.
As I smile, laugh and make light of some rather sad situations in the world of dating, I lose.

And so goes my blog.

Reconnecting

I love my family for trying to understand and love who I'm becoming, when the fact is that I'm not even sure who I'll be yet. They seem a bit more comfortable with this process, my moods, and some of my disappearances (they are not comfortable with my wandering by car yet, lol) than even I am. This has helped my transition to living at home for the summer quite a bit.

Back in Amherst, I find myself silenced quite a bit, and that bred a reluctance to speaking or sharing. Whether it was trying (unsuccessfully) to connect with someone because of limited airtime (some folks take up that much space!) or stopping short of disclosing myself for fear of judgment, I've just opted for silence. And sometimes, cigarettes. Holding all of this in is unhealthy and distracting--a dangerous thing when most of my livelihood is supported by my ability to think and be mentally present.

Being with my family has kept me accountable to myself in a way that haven't been in the past few months. They make me talk about what's going on in my life, what lies ahead, and remind me of who I was before I got into a slump. Before even over sharing my life's details with my father last week, for instance, we had a conversation about young people needing to get married. True to his fashion, he argued that "dumb m----- f----- needed to get married between 16 and 30" while they still look good and someone will still put up with them. The quoted part was omitted at first (lol), so, applying the commentary to my own singleness, I asked him:

"Well, what if you don't have a choice of whether you're single or not? What if there's just...no one?"

He looked at me seriously and added the above quoted criteria to his assessment, thus--in his words--removing me from the pantheon of dumb m----- f------s. and he said something that I've been wrestling with for a while:

"As a young professional, you could possibly support yourself. There's not too much a man can offer you financially. You don't need a 'good relationship' right now. You need a good 'thurapist'."

That's how he pronounces "therapist".

His reasoning was the pressure of my work. I wanted to cry because he was so right! But I laughed and told him about my experience with the shrink at UMass a few months ago (read my blog). He told me to try again, so I will. First, here...if my position covers meetings with CAPS...and I will follow up in the fall at UMass.

Of all the people here and perhaps on Earth, my mother understands me spiritually (among other ways) in ways that the rest of my family does not. As a believer in Christ, it had to be difficult not to have a spouse also committed to being a follower and teacher of His word, but by herself, she tried to expose us to Him. I wanted to check out a local church today that is in the same network as Vita Nova (Acts 29), and she offered to go with me--even though they were meeting in a park on a street corner in the middle of the hood (she lived in that neighborhood once). My brother and his fiancée brought brunch over for Fathers Day, so I opted out (I hadn't seen them in months) and did a bible study/prayer later at a coffee shop. But later that afternoon, we sat outside and talked about songs that moved us...while she winced, at first, to the Christian rock I played between Fred Hammond and Tonex, and then nodded along.


And then there's my brother, my sister, and our adventures in dating (collectively). While I'm sometimes the voice of reason in these conversations, every leap year, I have my WTF moments. And guess what? It's 2012. Lol

My brother's engaged and my sister is a hot commodity. And I contend that I'm a hot mess and need to be under a rock...at least until I'm ready to come out and play. My sister, having gained some wisdom from somewhere (dad) over the last few years understands....even my insecurities and regressions. My brother, however, is different. He doesn't understand how I can be critical of myself when the men I date (or don't...they are all bad to a big brother, lol), in his opinion, are a hot mess. However, after saying this, he proceeds to deliberate with Mallory (the fiancée) about who I should date:

(He whispers hushedly to her. I hear him)
"no....I'm not going to say that," she says.
"Yea! He's perfect though. Tell her...."
Mallory looks at me and sighs,
"Your brother thinks you should date Harry Potter."

Yes.

I'm going to bed now. Lol. Goodnight.

A poem: Remembering...

Love is brightly blinding,
but you trust that the light
doesn't burn.
At first.
A first time becomes a second
of multiple reactions
teeming with satisfactions,
as you fall in and out of rhythm
with yourself,
hoping to merge with another.
Some things don't mix well,
but you're drawn to the passion
like a moth to flame,
desperate to be burned
but fearing the pain.
Blinded...
Stumbling through words and actions,
 saying what's repulsive or pleasing,
but never asking or meaning.
What are you feeling?
The heart beats you to a pulp
when faced with stagnation,
but the urge to protect it
hardens you.
But the flame always melts away
 that wax you thought was iron-clad.
But the pain...
burning...
brightly...
blinding...