Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Copout

(There are only 3 men in my life whom I absolutely "get". One of them is pictured above.)

Well, this one was coming.

And I'm not even bitter. Yet.

I after witnessing and experiencing some interesting male/female relationship and friendship dynamics, I've been prompted by my own curiosity to issue the following question to the opposite sex:

Why can't you deal with life as it is given instead of sacrificing everything for a little bit of nothing? ("Nothing" read: a few moments of bad sex with a hot (or not) stranger, an addiction, a demanding job with little return, your self-importance, etc., etc.)


Almost every man I know is always in search of "more". What "more" is depends on the extent of his ego. "More" could be still reaching for a childhood dream that he may or may not have (severely) out-aged. "More" could be him seeking a sexual outlet from his relationship because his (very) familiar repertoire of sexual prowess causes his partner to all but capitulate to sex with him; but a new/girl or guy wouldn't know all his "old tricks" for a few more months. "More" also accounts for those men who put love, personal health, family, etc. on the backburners in a vain effort to prove not only to himself but to the world (who does not care, largely, while the people who do are forced to lie in wait) that he is somebody. The "more" that they seek is generally egotistical: I want someone ELSE to find me interesting, virile, attractive, lovable etc., etc., but in the meantime, I expect to hold on to everything I don't appreciate. What is this about? What is listed above are just my opinionated observations (all are real scenarios).


The general reaction the prompting of this question or the simplified question of "Why the hell are you so damn selfish?" consists of a combination of the blaming of others (often the neglected) for their lack of support or the mention imaginary parties on whom these gentlemen base their egos (often call "everybody else" or "they" or "my boys"). Those of us "lying in wait" don't care about those imaginary people and, largely, those of us who do express a genuine love and concern don't offer our opinions or our truths to discourage or hurt you but to help that ego at least be based in something productive and to show that we do care. Of course, any direct or indirect attack on the male ego's more ridiculous endeavors are grounds for dismissal, name-calling and other abuses, or infidelity. Women, however, are deemed crazy, ungrateful, bitchy, unlovable...when we choose to be miserable by ourselves instead of miserable with His Royal Useless--king of the cats.

But of course these same men (who fall into the categories above) will love a woman who is like them all day. They will chase after infidelity, stay to endure verbal and physical abuse, let a woman use him as an ATM, they will play "daddy" to a woman with no direction...and sometimes they will do this clandestinely while a good woman is still clueless and hanging on. What prompts this? Albeit, many women do fall into these same categories of "downsyness" (Miah's word for extreme stupidity), but what would prompt anyone to emotionally wreck themselves and others whom they supposedly love with self-destructive commitments and behaviors that may temporarily boost one's ego?

I'm not buying the copouts anymore.

But, still, I'm not bitter. Yet.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

In Motion

(pic wth friends as we campaigned to save affirmative action in Michigan with the NAACP, circa 2006)

A few weeks ago, a younger colleague of mine (about 7 years younger) asked me quite genuinely "What movements are you a part of...right now?" This followed a political panel that we were both present at. I stood and thought about it for a second, thinking about my passions and affiliations over the years for the bettering of society (and self), and responded that "at the moment" my concern was Student Bridges, the college access organization we both are working for to get underrepresented students aware of and ready for college. She seemed concerned that she wasn't doing enough, but I paused and replied that she was doing enough right now with her work and passion for our organization. "One movement at a time is enough for me," I said before walking away.

I meditated on this exchange for a few weeks, now finding the words to talk about my musings. In the past I've affiliated myself with pro-affirmative action, anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-hate, Democratic, student empowerment, environmental, and equal rights for all causes. I am still all of these things and on top of them, a Christian and Black (and all other corrective ethnic) Studies advocate. I have never seen a need to separate these concerns into categories; my larger concern was never being affiliated with a cause. My concern was with the inequalities of the human condition lived by all because of prejudices, selfishness, and the concern for the empowerment of the few with agency over the whole of humanity.

I think that just about covers where I stand.

"Movements", as they come and go fleetingly, are not about the moment, about the scene you can construct en masse, about the attention you can get if you scream loud enough. They are about reaching the heart's capacity to soften to your fellow being (human or not), reaching the mind's ability to rationalize what is right over what is wrong. This is what the Civil Rights movement meant. While many of the survivors and martyrs of that era did not expect immediate change for themselves, they planned for and prayed for a better future for their children and the children of their opponents.

I struggle with identifying with the "Occupy" movements stretching across the United States. I do identify with the "99 percent", who --if not unemployed--are insecurely employed and are at the mercy of those who "have" and allocate capital as it best benefits their small circles to the detriment of their employees. Why I can't identify is because of the anger, the bells and whistles, and the spectacular elements of this rather disorganized movement. And where is the connection to the underemployed? The undocumented? Those beyond the national poverty line? Those also known as an unaccounted for portion of that 99 percent who lose everything if they miss a day at one of those 1 percenter corporate chains and lay at the mercy of their local and state legislators who almost never presently have their best intentions in mind? While I see the effect in what these groups are doing on the media, I am not sure how this--without heart and cognitive concern of the fellow man and rooted in a system of capitalistic gain, largely--can facilitate any large scale change. They've done a great job, however, in exposing the desperate points to which the "haves" will go to enforce the abuse the police-state on the "have-nots", across colorlines.

Movements for change are about reaching a common ground and connecting with your fellow human being. We have much to learn from our past in our reach for a brighter future. I am open to those movements for change that concern the whole, a bridge between classes, nationalities, races, religions genders, sexual orientations, etc., that count for the empowerment of our world beyond the concepts of capital. If we got beyond the power of the almighty dollar, who knows what commonalities we could reach?

But as I said, one movement at a time. I'll pass my seeds of activism onto my students and colleagues, my friends, my parents and family, my future children, whose hearts and minds I have access to. We can be the positive change we wish to see in the world by identifying ourselves with humanity, not a "cause".