Friday, December 9, 2011

So I went to a "Shrink" yesterday...


After an emotional rollercoaster of a year and a rather tumultuous few weeks, I finally made it over to UMass's counseling and psychiatric services yesterday to try and sort out my emotions with a "neutral party"--a shrink.

A list of things (in no particular order) led me to re-evaluate being evaluated and seeking help, not limited to:

1) Residual emotions about social and academic happenings related to graduate school.
2) Sadness triggered by homesickeness
3) Despair triggered by a baseless long-distance relationship
4) Powerlessness over finances towards a long-time goal (buying a car)
5) The death of a friend
6) Supporting friends and family as they identified/mourned (I also mourned) lost friend
7) Adjusting to two new jobs (nothing more stressful than feeling like a rookie)
8) Being at a Dissertation stalemate
9) Still mourning the loss of my grandmother
10) Pre-mourning the loss of Miracle, my family's 9-year-old Golden Retriever, who has cancer

The list could go on, but I'll stop here. I went in to seek help (for all of this) on Monday, November 14, shell-shocked but moving anyway; while I don't have much, I did have students, friends and family depending on me in various regards. I had to get right.

They gave me a general look over and questions, and told me to go home, subsequently telling me to come back next week.

I wasn't in crisis, according to desk staff.

If you saw me anytime around November 14, you knew "crisis" was not the word.

In any case, things got progressively worse, for the better...as ironic as that may seem. By God's providence, I thought, I had a car lined up to buy...not necessarily the fancier models I had hoped I could purchase but something that I could whip back and forth...preferably to Albany and Chicopee, MA, to spend time with my then-boyfriend. The day before I exchange funds for the car, the car is in an accident. #FAIL.

Superadded to everything else, I was crushed by this glitch in my plans. Literally, broken in half. But, once again, Providence seems to come through. I was tipped on another car, "newer" (meaning late '90s, lol), lower mileage, etc...same price, with a plan. Again, a way to bridge the divide between the boyfriend and I. There is a snafu with the paperwork that causes a two-month delay in purchasing. Again, #fail.

I promise, however, God knows what He's doing, all the time!

The same day that my hopes were high about this new car was the same day that George (my former boyfriend), dumped me...citing distance, his work load, and my recent helplessness and his related helplessness to help me as a reason for us to part ways--the "it's-not-you-it's-me" speech. I had only heard these on television, having never been broken up with before. Mind you, the first two reasons were questions I'd brought up on LABOR DAY about our relationship (He prefaced his windy, pointless speech with "Remember in September when you asked..." for instance). The entire time he tried to insist that he wasn't using me (which he did for company at his friends weddings and barbecues and to edit his papers for class through October) or stringing me along (which he was honestly because he could have said something, anything before November besides "I understand your point"). It was selfish and pathetic, largely.

This is what I call an asshole move, ladies and gentlemen. But I may be worse than him, because while he was pouring his heart out saying what I think he thought I wanted him to say (a pattern), I was thrilled. His lopsided sympathy couldn't have better timing. At the point that he exited my life ("exited" because I've purged myself of all but memories), I was one stressor less. Life got that much better.

From there, attention turned to other stressors and how to make them better or non-existent, seeing that God was willing to provide if I was willing to surrender.

I gave up on "out-of-pocket" purchased cars (for now) and instead went to my credit union (take #2...the first exchange wasn't so nice) for financial counseling. Only because there was no reason to purchase a car a week before I leave for Detroit, I'll be an owner of a 2006 or later car model in late January or February, LORD-WILLING :)

During the week of Thanksgiving, I near-haphazardly rented a 2011 Camry (**drool**) so I could house-hop as a single woman and enjoy the holiday weekend out with friends. This alone was so recharging that I'd nearly forgotten the breakup (until "Purging Day"), the car drama, and the homesickeness. I just lived, happily, and gave thanks.

The next two weeks, I celebrated my birthday with friends and students between three parties (my last class, on my birthday, was a wrap-up party...with birthday cake and a gift from my co-teacher and a card from some of my students :)). I had a blast, and I honestly face-palmed myself for ignoring all of the love that the Lord had surrounded me with through these people and my family while I chased after the idea of lopsided love with one person who didn't deserve time.

BACK TO MY "SHRINK"

Finally, I arrived at the counseling suite, letting them know on their little questionnaire how the Lord and I helped me, without their help, in as many words can fit on the little lines as possible.

My therapist, who was offputtingly abrupt at first meet, apologized for them overlooking my condition, but turned it back on me saying that I should have basically begged for help or stayed until someone knew I was "bleeding inside".

I didn't quite see the need to run down this list of faith bringing me through, especially when after prodding him with questions about relationships and work stress he tried to sum it up to generalized "daddy issues" (which he could not "diagnose" after hearing about our relationshp) and offending me something terrible by asking me "Coming from Detroit, how did you end up in graduate school?"

Sigh.

Needless to say, he determined that someone as articulate as I am doesn't--I'm sorry--DON'T need no counseling. I don't agree completely, as we all need to check in sometimes. I certainly didn't need his patronistic assessment of my black single female educated self.

I should've went to see Lucy from "Peanuts". Probably would have had the same results, but at least she's famous for not helping people.