Friday, August 31, 2012

Confessional

Within the span of seven days, I've received two alcohol-induced confessions that have thrown me for an emotional loop. Though they were perhaps things I needed to hear, the only thing that they've left me is emotionally exhausted.

The latest was from a long-ago friend--a very good one, once upon a time--who estranged himself from me (and many of my other friends) on the surface because of his longing to be with a former girlfriend who lived at a distance. Of course, it would be polite and safe to leave the story there, as I have for the last 10 years. The truth is that we were extremely close, but culturally, politically and racially so different that our bond caused confusion. Lol... But our love for comedy (he was an aspiring stand-up comic), New York hip hop, movies and our respect and love for one another kept that bond tight. Briefly.

We took classes together (at first by accident, and later--more painfully--on purpose), he came up to my dorm room to escort me to each gross cafeteria meal, and even accompanied me on my fledgling adventures into Detroit's hip hop scene. We had fun. Until we made out. While that was something we wanted, he had an Yahoo girlfriend (just that; pre-eHarmony, never met) that this was unfair to. We acknowledged this and kept it moving, never "going there" again, but still having adventures, watching movies, making up crazy jokes and stories. Still laughing.

Then it was over. Suddenly.

I understand how our friendship complicated things with the girlfriend, who he later met in person. I understand that we had to set boundaries, but he just stopped. Everything.

As I mentioned before, we still had all the same classes and lived in the same place. We still shared the same love of movies and differences about affirmative action and other politics. But "we" were not. It wasn't until another good friend of ours exploded on him that he started showing up again. I was too heartbroken to say anything and too immature to really acknowledge how I felt. I just let go. We saw each other once before he left for the Southwest to be closer to his now-real girlfriend. I sent him off with a few George Carlin books for the plane and a "good luck".

We reconnected a few years later when he moved back to the Detroit area, but it was never consistent. I just knew he was there, and soon he was there and I was here in Amherst, a far cry from the girl he once knew.

Last night, he texted me out of the blue, "not drunk" but drinking, he promised. He apologized for choosing a stranger over me, and confessed that he missed me and our friendship and has for a long time. I didn't know what to say, and I still don't.... In a hail of "it's all goods" and LOLs, I just wept. Not happy weeping, and not sad. I'm not sure why I cried.

I'm not sure how I feel, but I know this guy represented the first time I'd literally felt abandoned by someone I loved, friend or more. That's a lot to process in a few minutes and within a few messages. And he tried to make amends for a 10 year old pain of mine within that.

******************

This and a few other misadventures in love and friendship taught me to put all my cards on the table instead of being stubborn and self-righteous (as I am apt to do). I did this recently with someone who I have grown to care about over the past few months. Our whatever-it-is has not been without interruptions or disappointments. Like the friend discussed above, on paper, he and I are extremely different people. As many times as I've said or heard, "this is no good", he's still here and so am I. We have a number of similarities, and I love his forthrightness. But it is relationship that needs time to grow, still.

About a month ago, I decided against my reluctance to reveal how I felt (I can't even say "I" decided....I fought hard not to say anything. Lol), and I wrote him a note about how I felt and why I couldn't say anything sooner. It wasn't an ultimatum, a character-basher, or a proposal of any kind. Just a note. About me. And it was unplanned; I have no idea what it says anymore. I just know it was free flow from my heart.

Last weekend, I saw him while I was out around Amherst. He was drinking. We made small talk and he invited me to have a drink. I decided to sit with him. He acknowledged my note and said he shared my feelings. I was not sure how lucid he was (the next day he said he could recall very little) but I determined I wouldn't press the issue. One would think that I would love to know that the feelings were mutual; someone else would've been ecstatic I think. But I was taken aback; not sure what to say, even more unsure of if what I had to say would matter at that moment. I just listened.

We spent the next day as usual, with the exception of attending his awesome church as a guest, but I never pressed the question of that conversation. Though I'm beyond my stubborn self, I don't think I'm ready for it. That might be why the subject came up when it did, and he may not remember at all...

The text-talk with my old friend was just icing on the cake of an emotionally heavy week. But there's a reason for this, I guess. Who knows what's coming in the near future or what this is preparing me for? (God knows, lol).

What a welcome back.

Saturday, August 4, 2012