And I wonder....?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Like most of you, I reside in this world, and like some of you, I look to the day when the Lord will come back and relieve us of its ridiculousness.

IN THE MEANTIME, however, while we coexist (or whatever) on this earth, I watch the people around me--closer than they think and even with the ability to remove myself from situations mentally and observe myself--and plenty of this whole mess of human relationships confuses me. Particularly, the relationships between the "sexes", namely male and female (in this age, it is necessary to specify for clarity) confuse me the most. The dynamic between the genders baffles me daily, as participant and observer, especially in the realm of romance. How do we choose who we want to be "bothered with"? Why? What goes into a relationship? When should "the next step" be taken? How much and to what point should we depend on factors external to ourselves to make decisions in love?

I wish I had the answers to these questions, but as a participant/observer, taking an authoritative position on these questions would be problematical ;-). But, after years of deliberation, I know what I expect and what I want from a male counterpart when the time comes. I hope that my man-friends can use this to see how the mind of a woman works (in all of its multi-functional madness) and that my lady-friends can come up with their own ideas of who and what works for them. I am currently in a season of singleness after a long relationship; in my singleness, I've had nothing but time to reflect on the good, the bad, and the curious in my own experiences. So here goes nothing (or something, to be honest, LOL):

How do I choose who I want to bothered with?


Well, I don't have a type, which is important. Some people get so caught up in their own idolizations of a certain persona (athletic, "thug", professional, even nerd..) that they don't give people who don't fit their boxed perceptions of manhood (or womanhood) a chance. Even worse, they may try to mold someone, either actually or in the confines of their imagination, into the "type" that they want to be associated with . While my perceptions of manhood are not "boxed", I do have standards, and as I've matured they've changed. A man who even wants me to consider him must have a good relationship with his family, a sense of responsibility to himself and those around him, feasible career and life goals ("I am doing" vs. "I'm tryin' to be"), self-love and love for God. Of course there are more superficial things like a nice smile, cool hair (short or whatever), clean shoes, and a sense of humor that complements my own that are also key, lol. But the important part is to have standards above all. If a guy can't meet the few expectations for "consideration" (above), it's already a no-go.


What should go into a relationship?

I have not had many relationships as an adult, but in the few I have had some things worked and some simply did not. Relationships based on and around sex, for instance, do not last long, even if there is some evolution of feelings by chance. Also, relationships in which there is love but a lack of communication and reciprocity can be just as troublesome and damaging to one's perception of healthy love. I don't want to get any more personal, but these are things I learned over time. From my experiences, what I learned should go into a relationship are 1) Trust, 2) Love 3) Time, 4) Open communication, 5) Willingness to take risks and 6) Mutual respect.

Trust is key for me, more so than love because if I don't trust you how can I really love you? Love is an evolution of "like", something that comes with knowing a person...really knowing them...like who they are, what makes them tick, whether their mother likes daisies or geraniums and which they'd choose for her. If I don't really "know you-know you", I can only like you (albeit, a lot)or come to love who I THINK you are.

Making time for the person you love is so important; if you're having a crappy day, do not "not" call the person you love. Call them and tell them why your day was crappy...and ask about theirs! LOL...sounds simple, but you'd be surprised... This goes hand and with open communication. Open communication is not, "How you doin...what you wearing...what happened today...I love you, bye." Open communication is also not "Hey baby, I just missed you since we last talked 2 hours ago, I'll call you back after work..." (this is borderline stalking/possessiveness). By open communication, I mean that you know what your girlfriend/boyfriend is going through, you know what questions to ask and when, you know when something is off (as in not that they sound different so they're "cheating", but that they sound different, so maybe they're depressed or something happened, etc.). To reiterate briefly, simply knowing the person you're "bothered with" makes all the difference as to the success of your relationship, and knowing a person takes more time than some people are willing to commit.

Risk-taking, in love, is key from the first moment you know you want to pursue or be pursued by a person. Men, if you are interested in a woman, just go for it; otherwise, you'll never know whether she digs you or not. The worst thing she could say is "no", or maybe "maybe" :). Women, if you are interested in a man, try not to make yourself seem unavailable; as special as you think you are, there might be someone prettier and/or more interesting to fill his time, and you know it. #imjustsayin! If none of us are willing to take risks in love, we are quicker to settle for less than what we deserve.

Finally, mutual respect is of the utmost importance. Belittling, sniping, being accusatory, testing, etc, are all as unacceptable as being unreliable, philandering and abusing. These are all unhealthy and represent the lack of respect a person has for their partner and themselves. Respect means that you call/contact a person for decent reasons and AT a decent hour, you have their best intentions in mind (not showing up in the middle of their work or studying just because you feel like you need to be seen), and you truly can appreciate who they are and why they are without wanting to change them. You can't really love someone without respecting them.


What comes after all this?

To frighten everyone who will probably read this, after all these things have been achieved successfully, why not get married? It seems like the unpopular thing to do, but then, why not? There are several reasons everyone wins 1) More money back when you file income taxes, 2) babies!, 3) constant companionship, hopefully, with someone you can stand, and 4) if you're a Christian, congrats, now you can spread the gospel with your children and your marriage and you can have sex. To me marriage seems awesome, but I'm willing to wait until someone I want to be bothered with comes along AND pursues me. I've gotten myself in enough trouble throwing a lasso out there. LOL...

The external versus the internal towards the eternal...(?...LOL)

Many of us care if our friends, family, co-workers (#wheretheydothatat?) etc. like our significant other. My point is that if you don't like him (or her), what's the point? What do you feel? Why? How does this person add to your life? How can you add to theirs? As far as matters within your relationship go, outside of the spiritual, this is what should matter to your union. Sometimes you worry so much about what other people think about what is going on with you and who is right for you that you discredit your own judgment about the people you let in your life and those you choose to love. Knowing one's self (especially, through God) and one's needs can make all the difference in whose voice you heed at the end of the day.

Again, I'm just a single girl reflecting, but hopefully this gets someone (especially ladies) thinking about what they want out of love. As for myself, I just want a guy to laugh with, travel with, and love who will be a confidante, protector (of my heart and spirit) and (eventually) provider. When the time comes, I will reciprocate. I think a lot of women would expect many of the same things. Now, I can take care of myself, but dammit I'm old school; a lil bit here and there never hurt anybody ;)

I'm done thinking now :) Goodnight