It never gets easier.
A few months ago, I wrote about talking to a potential love interest and friend (who is now nonexistent to me for all of the best reasons...lol) candidly about relationships and how that honesty and openness often gets me placed in the "homie" category. Yet again, the curse is in play :) In this case, it may be for the best, though my heart begs to differ.
For the past few weeks (if you follow me, sincerest apologies for the hiatus...but really, I don't care), I have been in deep with someone I now consider a great friend. It wasn't always like this; we each had our motives--or lack thereof--at the beginning of our connection. We both sheerly sought to have fun or fill a void. After a tumultuous season, however, something wonderful happened: We became friends. We listen to one another, share interests and know what makes the other tick. We have had the pleasure of sharing meals, adventures, advice (unwanted and needed) and, in a strange turn of events, we even discuss Scripture in depth and randomly. He even put the man who claimed to be "God's will for me" (see earlier post) in his place when I was too scared to respond to the barrage of texts and calls this "gentleman" unexpectedly made after a peaceful hiatus. We have a plethora of differences, as I mentioned in a previous post, but the respect and love for one another is there. And it's honest.
But, as I mentioned, this is hard for me. Maybe because the desire to be romanced (period) is there. Maybe because knowing him flaws and all makes me more involved emotionally. Maybe I'm confusing these feelings for something else all together.
I don't feel confused. I feel like a good friend, something I didn't expect to evolve from what we were(n't) before.
The hardest part, I think, is accepting what being a friend means. It means boundaries. It means, perhaps, really realizing that you aren't the other's ideal for a partner (and maybe he/she isn't right for you...though my mind and heart are still negotiating this...it's more of a domestic dispute that a civil conversation). It means hearing about other girls or guys, and dying slowly inside the further the descriptions veer from resembling who you are. It means loving unconditionally and wishing your friend the best for their situation, whether you are involved or not, and and knowing, when the time comes, to move on in order to insure your own happiness. It means really loving someone enough to die to yourself and tough through a bruised ego, lust, lofty fantasies, and selfishness.
What I complained about before is lightweight compared to the real deal. It is hard to love someone without struggling through the implications of desire and fulfilling one's own wants and needs. I know it has been hard for me. But because I know what I feel is real, I am willing to fight those things detrimental to what has come to be between the two of us. I just hope it does become easier with time ....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF70UHCoDp0&sns=em
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