I'll just say it: I'm home and I'm scared shitless.
The flight delays yesterday weren't half as bad as my nerves had been the entire week. I was actually pretty composed compared to the days when I had something (someone) to fly home to. Any delay meant that plans would be foiled, that there was a possibility for something (often unforeseen, regardless) to go wrong, another second apart...etc., etc., etc. This time around, I just have me to deal with. As cool as I've gotten with myself, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that solo time, yet.
The beginning of the trip started with small talk with a friend on the way to Bradley Airport in Connecticut, splitting a Black and Mild. I'm not even sure if he knew how on edge I was about coming home; maybe he got the message when I whipped a cigar out my coat pocket. I'd hinted at it, but I don't divulge what I don't think people want to hear. Even when I do get started, if I sense disinterest, I change the subject--abruptly. And thus, I had a few starting points for my syllabus next semester when I got out the car opposed to a calmed state of mind.
Then came the delays; Philly had an "ice storm" (which didn't look like much upon landing) so we were stuck at Bradley for another three hours. I had mixed feelings about this. I was upset that people --including myself-- were "inconvenienced" by the weather and that everyone was being so melodramatic about it. I was upset that I wouldn't get to hang for two hours at Philadelphia's airport, one of my favorite layover spots in the nation. I was upset that I had to make frequent connections with my parents "guestimating" the time that my plane would arrive. However, I was not upset that my coming home was delayed...I was ambivalent about my arrival, overall....
Finally the plane takes off and lands in Philly, all but 20 minutes before my flight takes off for Detroit. Luckily, my gate of departure was adjacent to the gate I'd landed at; even more, the flight wasn't scheduled to leave for another two and a half hours because they had to fly in a captain from Norfolk. So I got my time in Philly, after all. But all my shops were closed. And, besides, I'm broke. Go figure....
Three hours, a dying cell phone (I had to check my carry on at the gate at Bradley), and no free Wi-Fi gives you a lot of time on your hands in the 21st century. I was trying to hone in on the things I had yet to do for other people: respond to student emails, edit one student's paper for a colleague, grade for the class I TA-ed for this semester, brainstorm gift ideas for my family--impossible feats at the moment. So I had a pretzel....people watched for a second...finally, whipped out my Bible and reread the book of Ruth. Ruth's story is always great to read, but this time, it didn't cut it.
My tears were welling up, and the dam I'd constructed as a facade of strength-- my easy-going nature--was giving way. I had to admit to myself that I was scared and upset about coming home to something that wasn't mine anymore. The life I had before--the last string of that being my relationship with Adrian--was gone. My family will always be my family, but as I grow, they grow. As they grow, the space that was once mine is made smaller for me and larger for other things (in this case, my parents' stuff). Wayne State is no longer my "stomping grounds"; it's a place I go and laugh because I feel old and visit people I want to be in two years. The memories are just memories; the activities of the past no longer available to fall into (or appropriate, at this stage, lol). For the first time in quite a few years I am single this season, which hit me after I closed my Bible. I ended a relationship that, just symbolically, was my last link to my youth here, the thing that kept my heart in Detroit. The sole reason for mid-semester trips (even made-up holidays, like "Valentine's"), summer vacations, weekend visits--gone. Even my parents at one point thought they were seeing me too much for me to live out of state. But now that's gone. And I don't know what to do with myself.
I have a month to spend in a place where I don't feel like I fit anymore. This doesn't say much for Amherst, however, as I still feel a bit alien there. My home is here in Michigan, but my heart is neither in Amherst nor here, anymore. I don't know where to put it. I'm afraid to lay it anywhere for now. Sometimes I wish it was still up on a plane somewhere...
My family has been more than awesome. Miracle is literally stalking me, and Miah thinks she's bossy because she has a job, so they're being good little siblings and taking care of me ;) LOL...but even still, I feel a little lost and need some time to work through this. With everything that was happening back in Amherst, I wasn't ready for this feeling, nor was I ready to talk through it. But here it is, looking me dead in the eye, waiting for something to happen.
There is so much more to say, but I'll spare you all for now. Goodnight.
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