Teach me how to "Doogie" (also known as "Damn, I'm 27.")

Disclaimer: Title is in reference to the 90s show "Doogie Howser, MD"--he was blogging before blogging was hot. #doogiebeendidit ;)

*****

I didn't tell my mother, but I was almost as shocked as her when I reminded her of how old I'd be this year about ten days ago. Sometimes, I like to imagine my childhood as perpetual; it was pretty good, by my standards. Ice cream. Toys. Sugary cereal. Picture books. Magic (because the rest of the year we were pretty broke) Christmases. I didn't want for much, and I praise our parents for that and for instilling in each of us that it was more than OK to be individuals and to pursue our dreams in spite of external--and often internal--limitations. I also praise that, above all, they stuck it out through all the rough patches and showed us what love looks like in its rawest.

Even still, I reflect on my love for the words in between the pictures and the excitement I got from going to libraries, museums and my mom's occasional black history lessons and remember how I got where I am today. Whether I occasionally want to revisit my youth or not, I was made who I am today by those experiences. I can attribute most of my 27 years to these memories and the lessons that accompanied them.

So, what next? I've been praying for something to change for a long time, but I understand that the Lord, along with His willingness to bless me, wants me to be an agent in that change. I am at a point where I am in love with who I am, flaws and all--a first-time thing for me. I'm aware of my limitations thus far, and I am willing to witness my growth unabashedly from here. I'll never be "grown" per se; such an statement limits me to recognizing who I am now as a person in stasis. No woman is a disaster-free island. No person living is immune to change.

What would I like to change about my life--that's my query of this moment. There's a lot. Getting out of Amherst--which I can't express clearly enough-- is definitely on this list, but it is low on the priorities I have for my spiritual, emotional, and physical life. It's more of a notch in my belt, an in to making bigger bucks and having some creative control of my research and writing. These things are definitely important, but the truth is that my work and my ego are not my life.

There is so much more.

Since this blog is pretty top heavy, I'll just make a list of the goals I have for my 27th year. They're just things on my heart at the moment that make me want to live bigger, do more for myself and others to account for the years I've been blessed with. So here they are--as usual--in no particular order (lol)

1. Being more intuitive, recognizing my instinct as a blessing, not a source of doubt or over-confidence in confronting issues or opportunities presented to me.

2. Traveling more--my sense of exploration and discovery is calling me beyond my comfort zone. I'd love to hit each of the continents within the next 5 to 10 years and literally see what the world has to offer--and what I have to offer the world.

3. Pushing myself as an artist. There is so much more I think I can do that I've abandoned because of work or because (in the past) I wasn't the "best" at it. I need to rely on my own vision and critique more before I consider what the rest of you think, to state the point frankly.

4. Being in love. Not snagging a husband or some temporary guy to keep me warm or emotionally bloated with his imagined perspective of me. But real, unashamed, unconditional, reciprocal love. Nothing lasts forever, I know, but I do long for the feeling and experience. I'm so careful with my heart, I have rarely allowed myself to divulge it to someone else.

5. Being comfortable in my skin (finally!), I now see a need to maintain such comfort. Eating better, more regularity of my physical schedule and sleeping better ( I don't sleep lol) are first steps. No drastic diets or obsessive workout plans (it took me years to get curvy!) but something that will help me stay active, work off stress, and improve my asthma.

These are the five most pressing things on my heart right now. I don't know why these five came out first. I don't prewrite these things; I just be "doogie"-ing. I only know these are all things up for prayer and up for my willingness to take action on, simultaneously. This will be work, indeed; none of this is easily attainable, being broke, overburdened with work, stressed, kind of located in a place not conducive to some of these things and more I imagine, etc. But this is for me. My gift for myself at 28 would be to see all of these things through.

Twenty-seven will be a handful, maybe both hands full, I predict. But living isn't easy; seven months, and 7 and 17 were difficult in their own ways. Life is hard. Thus, such a point makes 27 seem rather unspecial. But I'd like it to be.

Some of the same elements are here in spite of my growth to this point: Ben and Jerry's; Cinnamon Toast Crunch; a love of stuffed animals, libraries, museums and the like; a love of words... all things important to who I am today. The only difference is that now I long to take all of me and make that me bigger and more complete for God's glory and for myself.

Can you dig it?

*cue the outro music*