The Worst Bad...

When I pray to the Lord about my life and my family and friends, I always ask that His will be done--despite our own desires. Not to say that I don't ask for certain things for them or myself; if things are meant to come to pass, they will. But regardless of what our wants are, He knows our needs...and what will draw us closer to him ultimately.

He has been pretty good to me throughout my "hiatus" from this blog and regardless of most of the painful things I've experienced this year. Through the successes, the deaths, the disputes, the heartbreaks, new loves, illnesses, disappoints, I know that He has been at work the whole time. The one thing I've learned is not to ask Him "Why?" Instead, I've opted for the "Let's see" or "What can I learn from this" approaches.

Today, I received a reminder of his work during a conversation with a former romantic interest. This guy--nice looking, successful, intelligent-- has been persistent for years--which any woman can appreciate. However, in praying about him and a possible relationship months ago, all signs (ever) would point to "No". I often got the point from our conversations early on that he was interested in the idea of me, but not me as I was. I could not talk about my passion (my work with black culture and activist tradition) without some dismissive comment and conversations were usually consumed with his own opinions and thoughts. I didn't feel respected or appreciated; just wanted. The romantic interest he had for me was flattering, but it definitely was not enough.

After some prayer and upsetting times, God would send different people and things to show me what I should expect and look for to fulfill my happiness, but I know that He knew my emotional hang-ups tied to a certain relationship lingering on the outskirts of romance that prevented me from giving myself completely to another person. Of course, He squashed that immediately (lol). During that time I questioned myself, my will, my wants for what they were. And even during that time, I resolved not be my best self. Eventually, enough became enough and I gave up on love, honestly told the former romantic interest above that I could not even manage a relationship or whatever he wanted from me because of the reasons listed, and I sought to be alone to figure things out.

I prayed about it, people came and went, and then out of nowhere came my current boyfriend...at ball...like in a Disney movie. At first, I was unamused and that may have been the last time I questioned God, or as I stated at the time, "Really, Lord?! For real?" I'd finally resolved that I'd be better off alone trying to figure things out, and here comes this guy. But, in essence, he was everything I needed: stable, funny, relatable, hard-working, family-oriented, romantic, handsome AND interested. So with a LOT of prayer, I let myself fall in love (like I had a choice...lol).

It has not been perfect. He's really busy with school and full-time work (as am I). The dates and flowers have been less frequent. We talk often but sometimes we just can't sync up in person. These issues have all been cues to run in the past, but my prayers have remained consistent with one amendment as it relates to us-- I pray for not only God's will but patience throughout this period. I have definitely been tested, but I know He has a bigger plan for me. Whether this man, or another, is part and parcel of this plan is to be determined. But so far, he's still here, and I'm happy about that.

But back to today...

The former romantic interest asked me out; of course, I said no because I am seeing someone. "Ok" is his first reply, and then he spouts on about how he wasn't given enough of a chance to make something work with me. I mentioned to him that he was great, but not for me and that I was relying on God's will (which I'd interpreted as "no" on anything between us, if I was to rely on the obvious). I did not say that God did not send him to my life for a reason. But he took pause to that and pretty much asserted that he may have been the "bigger plan" God had for me and that I was doing my own will.

What?

I refused to entertain that comment or the audacity of it with him--opting for a clean, final reply of "Goodbye"-- but I learned something new and a bit troubling about his character. The manipulation I sensed (and had generally sensed) in his tone made me realize even more that he was not "God's will" for me. For someone I'd previously prayed about and moved on from, I think that the Lord was clear at that moment about giving me the one word I needed to edge out of that corner.

The Lord knows what He is doing with us, and we have no right to tell Him what it will be or won't be as it relates to our wants and needs. God's will is done whether we want it or not; if this was not the case, who would He be to us? To this world? The worst thing we could do is impose consume ourselves with our desires to the point that we neglect or demand more of the blessings that God has already placed in our way. I hope that this man finds happiness with someone who can love and appreciate him and also that he learns to do the same and, more importantly, learns to heed the God we serve instead of expecting other people to submit to his own will.

In the meantime, I'll stay in tune and in touch. I've got some waiting to do...

Markeysha Dawn Davis
Doctoral Candidate
W. E. B. Du Bois Department of Afro-American Studies
University of Massachusetts Amherst
(313) 318-1831
mddavis@afroam.umass.edu