Reconnecting

I love my family for trying to understand and love who I'm becoming, when the fact is that I'm not even sure who I'll be yet. They seem a bit more comfortable with this process, my moods, and some of my disappearances (they are not comfortable with my wandering by car yet, lol) than even I am. This has helped my transition to living at home for the summer quite a bit.

Back in Amherst, I find myself silenced quite a bit, and that bred a reluctance to speaking or sharing. Whether it was trying (unsuccessfully) to connect with someone because of limited airtime (some folks take up that much space!) or stopping short of disclosing myself for fear of judgment, I've just opted for silence. And sometimes, cigarettes. Holding all of this in is unhealthy and distracting--a dangerous thing when most of my livelihood is supported by my ability to think and be mentally present.

Being with my family has kept me accountable to myself in a way that haven't been in the past few months. They make me talk about what's going on in my life, what lies ahead, and remind me of who I was before I got into a slump. Before even over sharing my life's details with my father last week, for instance, we had a conversation about young people needing to get married. True to his fashion, he argued that "dumb m----- f----- needed to get married between 16 and 30" while they still look good and someone will still put up with them. The quoted part was omitted at first (lol), so, applying the commentary to my own singleness, I asked him:

"Well, what if you don't have a choice of whether you're single or not? What if there's just...no one?"

He looked at me seriously and added the above quoted criteria to his assessment, thus--in his words--removing me from the pantheon of dumb m----- f------s. and he said something that I've been wrestling with for a while:

"As a young professional, you could possibly support yourself. There's not too much a man can offer you financially. You don't need a 'good relationship' right now. You need a good 'thurapist'."

That's how he pronounces "therapist".

His reasoning was the pressure of my work. I wanted to cry because he was so right! But I laughed and told him about my experience with the shrink at UMass a few months ago (read my blog). He told me to try again, so I will. First, here...if my position covers meetings with CAPS...and I will follow up in the fall at UMass.

Of all the people here and perhaps on Earth, my mother understands me spiritually (among other ways) in ways that the rest of my family does not. As a believer in Christ, it had to be difficult not to have a spouse also committed to being a follower and teacher of His word, but by herself, she tried to expose us to Him. I wanted to check out a local church today that is in the same network as Vita Nova (Acts 29), and she offered to go with me--even though they were meeting in a park on a street corner in the middle of the hood (she lived in that neighborhood once). My brother and his fiancée brought brunch over for Fathers Day, so I opted out (I hadn't seen them in months) and did a bible study/prayer later at a coffee shop. But later that afternoon, we sat outside and talked about songs that moved us...while she winced, at first, to the Christian rock I played between Fred Hammond and Tonex, and then nodded along.


And then there's my brother, my sister, and our adventures in dating (collectively). While I'm sometimes the voice of reason in these conversations, every leap year, I have my WTF moments. And guess what? It's 2012. Lol

My brother's engaged and my sister is a hot commodity. And I contend that I'm a hot mess and need to be under a rock...at least until I'm ready to come out and play. My sister, having gained some wisdom from somewhere (dad) over the last few years understands....even my insecurities and regressions. My brother, however, is different. He doesn't understand how I can be critical of myself when the men I date (or don't...they are all bad to a big brother, lol), in his opinion, are a hot mess. However, after saying this, he proceeds to deliberate with Mallory (the fiancée) about who I should date:

(He whispers hushedly to her. I hear him)
"no....I'm not going to say that," she says.
"Yea! He's perfect though. Tell her...."
Mallory looks at me and sighs,
"Your brother thinks you should date Harry Potter."

Yes.

I'm going to bed now. Lol. Goodnight.